Entering Motherhood
my first week into motherhood was not easy......
The midwife had said that we could go up and see him, I was so excited. We walked into this room and all these babies in their incubators with wires coming off them, and then there he was our little Max. He had so much hair I couldn't believe it.
Max a few hours after being born.
We couldn't hold him yet and we weren't really told anything about how he was doing. We just stared at him for while, then Mum and James went home and I got put in a big hospital room on my own.
It felt really horrible scary and lonely having just given birth to your baby and not have him or husband with you.
Little did I know the next week would be one of the hardest weeks of my life.
So the next morning I went up to see him and he was in a normal crib with a big UV light over him and a little eye mask. I obviously had no idea what was going on. So spoke to one of the nurses and she explained that he had a bit of jaundice and the light helps to clear it.
Max sunbathing under the UV His little feet
I really wanted to breastfeed so this was going to be my next big challenge. The nurse got a comfy chair for me,I got the boobs out and tried to get him to latch and he just screamed. It was so difficult as he had so many wires coming off him I didn't want to accidentally pull one and something start beeping I was just so scared, but I really tried. By day two I didn't care who saw my boobs I just whipped them out,but he was getting so stressed out.I had been hand expressing so that he would get all colostrum (This is the stuff that come out before your milk) which is great stuff for babies and then I would try expressing with the machine which was really hard work as well and because your milk doesn't come in straight away you spend about 10 minutes expressing to not even get one once.It was so hard and draining.He then started getting tube fed which was good because he was getting food and that would help with his jaundice but it was part my milk and part formula, I needed to decided whether my baby needed to get better or to carry on trying for my own need of wanting to breastfeed. So after being in and out from under the UV light, I made the decision to start bottle feeding him, and it was one of the best decisions I've made, he loved it and was making so much more progress.
As we are on the subject of boobs lets talk about your boobs after you have given birth. Well firstly they go rock solid, veiny, painful and big.I couldn't sleep one night because 1.I was in so much pain and 2.I couldn't lie down on my side or my back and defiantly not on my tummy I just cried and cried.It lasted for about Three days maybe a little longer but Seriously never felt anything like it(even though I had just given birth).All this coincided with day three after giving birth which I will get to and being in a tiny little hospital bed/room. I remember texting James at 4 in the morning and i'm pretty sure I was having a panic attack I just could calm my self down I just had so much emotion running through me and no one with me to help me.It was horrible I've never felt like that in my life.I cried that whole night, and I was still going to feed max every three hours as well.
On to the dreaded day THREE of after you have given birth.I was an emotional wreak, I don't think I've ever cried so much in all my life. I had missed breakfast downstairs as I was feeding max and I hadn't been outside in about 4 days and I was just feeling so depressed low and lonely. I needed to go downstairs to have all my checks done and there she was the lovely midwife that stayed on to watch Max be born, she spotted me and saw what state I was in,she made me some toast got me a drink and sat me down in this room and we had a chat. It was just so lovely to have someone there to talk to. I will never forget how lovely and comforting she was to me.I sorted my self out and went back up to see my boy.
So Max went in and out from under lights about three times. He would get a heal prick every few hours, to see what his levels were like. After a week of this I just became obsessed with getting him home, so I just focused on him feeding and being under the light as much as possible. I would spend my whole day just crying, watching him, waiting every three hours for his feed, hoping that he would finish the bottle and if there was a little bit left that the nurses wouldn't take any notice of it and making sure that we was still having wet and dirty nappies, Max didn't pass the "meconium" until about 55 hours after being born which isn't good .If you don't know what Meconium is it's the first poo a baby does, it's like black tar but softer and so much easier to clean than normal poop.
my view for the day
It got to Thursday and max had been out of the light for most of the day, his checks were done and the levels had gone back up again he had to go back under the light. I just cried. Now I know that max was probably one of biggest babies in that room and actually him having jaundice wasn't that bad compared to some of babies in the unit, so I needed to really count my self lucky.But I needed to go home, I needed to get outside these hospital walls otherwise I was going to go crazy, in actual fact I think most of the nurses thought I was pretty crazy anyway.So I went home that night. I left my baby at the hospital it was so strange getting home and not having him with me I was filled with guilt. None of this had gone to plan. But I sorted my self out had a proper shower ate food and got an early night.
Even though it was quite a stressful time in hospital, I had made a special friendship with one other mum who had had twins a few days before I had Max.Even though we didn't know each other for very long and not very well,I feel like she helped me a lot, We pretty much went through similar stuff at the same time like breastfeeding, our painful boobs,struggling to stay inside the hospital walls without going crazy and nurses we weren't to keen on(most of them were lovely but some were scary).It was nice to know that someone was feeling exactly the same way as you and that whatever your're feeling was normal.When I got home I managed to find her on Facebook and it's so lovely to keep in contact with her and her girls.
So we got into the hospital early Friday morning 7 days after Max was born and Max was dressed and out from the light. We were told that if his levels came back good in the next 24 hours we could go home. They have this room in the unit where parents stay the day before they are due to leave to just have a practice run of the night shifts. So me and Jim stayed the night in the room and it went really well. The next morning we were just waiting for all the results to come back and we could go home. They came back fine it was such a relief we could go home.We could be our family of Three.
The midwife had said that we could go up and see him, I was so excited. We walked into this room and all these babies in their incubators with wires coming off them, and then there he was our little Max. He had so much hair I couldn't believe it.
We couldn't hold him yet and we weren't really told anything about how he was doing. We just stared at him for while, then Mum and James went home and I got put in a big hospital room on my own.
It felt really horrible scary and lonely having just given birth to your baby and not have him or husband with you.
Little did I know the next week would be one of the hardest weeks of my life.
So the next morning I went up to see him and he was in a normal crib with a big UV light over him and a little eye mask. I obviously had no idea what was going on. So spoke to one of the nurses and she explained that he had a bit of jaundice and the light helps to clear it.
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| Max doing his baby bird impression |
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| One of the first times feeding Max |
As we are on the subject of boobs lets talk about your boobs after you have given birth. Well firstly they go rock solid, veiny, painful and big.I couldn't sleep one night because 1.I was in so much pain and 2.I couldn't lie down on my side or my back and defiantly not on my tummy I just cried and cried.It lasted for about Three days maybe a little longer but Seriously never felt anything like it(even though I had just given birth).All this coincided with day three after giving birth which I will get to and being in a tiny little hospital bed/room. I remember texting James at 4 in the morning and i'm pretty sure I was having a panic attack I just could calm my self down I just had so much emotion running through me and no one with me to help me.It was horrible I've never felt like that in my life.I cried that whole night, and I was still going to feed max every three hours as well.
On to the dreaded day THREE of after you have given birth.I was an emotional wreak, I don't think I've ever cried so much in all my life. I had missed breakfast downstairs as I was feeding max and I hadn't been outside in about 4 days and I was just feeling so depressed low and lonely. I needed to go downstairs to have all my checks done and there she was the lovely midwife that stayed on to watch Max be born, she spotted me and saw what state I was in,she made me some toast got me a drink and sat me down in this room and we had a chat. It was just so lovely to have someone there to talk to. I will never forget how lovely and comforting she was to me.I sorted my self out and went back up to see my boy.
So Max went in and out from under lights about three times. He would get a heal prick every few hours, to see what his levels were like. After a week of this I just became obsessed with getting him home, so I just focused on him feeding and being under the light as much as possible. I would spend my whole day just crying, watching him, waiting every three hours for his feed, hoping that he would finish the bottle and if there was a little bit left that the nurses wouldn't take any notice of it and making sure that we was still having wet and dirty nappies, Max didn't pass the "meconium" until about 55 hours after being born which isn't good .If you don't know what Meconium is it's the first poo a baby does, it's like black tar but softer and so much easier to clean than normal poop.
It got to Thursday and max had been out of the light for most of the day, his checks were done and the levels had gone back up again he had to go back under the light. I just cried. Now I know that max was probably one of biggest babies in that room and actually him having jaundice wasn't that bad compared to some of babies in the unit, so I needed to really count my self lucky.But I needed to go home, I needed to get outside these hospital walls otherwise I was going to go crazy, in actual fact I think most of the nurses thought I was pretty crazy anyway.So I went home that night. I left my baby at the hospital it was so strange getting home and not having him with me I was filled with guilt. None of this had gone to plan. But I sorted my self out had a proper shower ate food and got an early night.
Even though it was quite a stressful time in hospital, I had made a special friendship with one other mum who had had twins a few days before I had Max.Even though we didn't know each other for very long and not very well,I feel like she helped me a lot, We pretty much went through similar stuff at the same time like breastfeeding, our painful boobs,struggling to stay inside the hospital walls without going crazy and nurses we weren't to keen on(most of them were lovely but some were scary).It was nice to know that someone was feeling exactly the same way as you and that whatever your're feeling was normal.When I got home I managed to find her on Facebook and it's so lovely to keep in contact with her and her girls.
So we got into the hospital early Friday morning 7 days after Max was born and Max was dressed and out from the light. We were told that if his levels came back good in the next 24 hours we could go home. They have this room in the unit where parents stay the day before they are due to leave to just have a practice run of the night shifts. So me and Jim stayed the night in the room and it went really well. The next morning we were just waiting for all the results to come back and we could go home. They came back fine it was such a relief we could go home.We could be our family of Three.
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| All ready to go home. Next Blog Now The Real Work Begins❤ |
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